Teaching Boys to Be Men

Did you know that John Quincy Adams was private secretary to the ambassador to Russia at 14 years old and Admiral Farragut commanded his first ship - a prize - when he was 12 years old?

When Hal and I first read that, we were floored. We remembered how amazed folks seemed to be that we were getting married at 22, "That seems so young." We wondered what changed to make our culture go from viewing 12 year olds as young adults to seeing 22 year olds as barely able to care for themselves. When we read books like The Underground History of Public Education and the primary source documents of our country's past, we realized that young people today were raised very differently than they used to be. We decided that though we had no idea what the Lord had in store for our sons, that we wanted them to be ready. We wanted to raise them like the generation that founded our country.



Today it is common for young people to have all the freedom of adults (to make their own decisions, to choose their entertainment, to have life-changing romantic relationships) and yet to have none of the responsibilities. They are not expected to support themselves, to bear the consequences of their sin themselves, to do their work without supervision, to look after themselves. This is backwards from Scripture. The Word says, "He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much," so we had a plan: give the boys as much responsibility as they could handle as soon as they were able and give them more as they showed themselves faithful. Here's how:

Chores: I try to ask myself, "Who is the youngest person who can do this job right now?" Now sometimes, that'll mean the oldest. If we're in a hurry or I have no time to see that it's done right, but it has to be, then the oldest who is home (we call that person, "the senior brother") does it. Often though, I have plenty of time to supervise and even teach the chore, but I don't want to. That's when I try to make myself choose the youngest who can do it. This keeps the older ones from feeling overwhelmed, frees them up to learn to do new things as they mature and makes sure the house doesn't fall apart when they leave! As they get older, we expect them to help out in our ministry opportunities - from setting up chairs to babysitting little ones at home - and in our business - marking samples, holding the backdrop for pictures, cutting fabric swatches, praying. They are a part of all we do and they are not paid - it is their part of helping to support us - of building their own inheritance.

School: We try to give the children more and more independence in their school work. We go from constant supervision and checking by me, to working independently with occasional checking, to only grading tests and answering questions as needed [N.B. I'm talking high school here, don't panic because your 7 year old can't work on his own :-)] Sometimes we've had children show themselves unfaithful - skip lessons or do shoddy work as long as they weren't caught. Those children move back a step. They earn more supervision, more work, redoing the shoddy work and discipline. Those who are faithful, are given more responsibility and freedom - to plan their own schedules and to organize the work flow. By the time they graduate, they should be prepared for the independence of college work. For some, this is a much bigger challenge than for others.

Errands: I always try to take one of the older boys along with me to carry things and to protect me. They love this. Makes them feel manly. Hal told them years ago that I should never carry anything unless everyone else's hands were full. They love to take things out of my arms. As they learn to do these things, I'll let them check out for me - teaching them to use cash and then my debit card. Later, I'll send them in by themselves to a small store while I anxiously watch the door :-). Eventually, they are able to drive to any store and do any level of shopping without help. This is kin to what we do when they get their learner's permit to drive. They drive every single time we go somewhere - even to downtown D.C. We want them to encounter everything possible while we're there so they have confidence and experience when they get to the time when we're not there.

Finances: Just like my parents before me, we give each child who shows enough maturity his own checking account at 13 years old. We teach him to use it, balance it and use Quicken. At 14 or so, we get them a credit card in their name on our account, to be used when we tell them to buy things or when they travel. We teach them about credit cards and how they work and how they don't (paying interest is foolish!). As they desire spending money, we encourage them to get part-time jobs or to start micro-businesses. Our oldest has made good money cleaning a mega-church once a week for a couple of years. His friends can't believe he pushes a vacuum and cleans - he can't believe they work for a third what he does :-). It's the perfect job for someone in a family like ours - he can do it any time between Wednesday night and Sunday morning and he is free to bring younger brothers to help him (and learn from him).

Opportunities: I look for opportunities that will allow the boys (remember our only girl is 2) to stand on their own for a time in a situation that will challenge them to grow, but one in which they are likely to succeed. Some of the things we've done are to send the boys to a Challenge Camp at about 11 or so. This camp is enormously physically challenging (rappelling, obstacle courses, etc.) and there is a mix of boys - likeminded ones and NOT - but the camp is led by a godly friend of ours who keeps the boys with him. It's a good opportunity to be tested and stand, while knowing it's not forever, only a week. I think the constant grind of no escape like going to public school is counterproductive and more likely to lead to "the companion of fools shall be destroyed." We've also gratefully accepted my mother's invitations to send a boy or two traveling with her overseas. When our oldest showed himself faithful in those things, we allowed him to fly by himself to San Antonio to attend the San Antonio Independent Christian Film Festival and Academy. He stayed with some friends of ours there. This summer, he's taken another step: living on his own in a closed country, living with those who don't speak his language and working and living with no known Christians in his cirle. He's doing fine.

My standard is this - do they have a way of escape from bad influences and can they handle the responsibility? For example, I sent our oldest to Christian Worldview Institute for Students - (a great program with a very likeminded group of Christian students) with no problem, but when I sent him to The Free Enterprise Leadership Challenge where there would be a wider variety of students, I talked to my friends and one of his close friends went with him and they roomed together. We have always made sure they were able to call us at any time, as well. I think the secret is just what Scripture lays out. A tiny bit of responsibility is given. When that is handled faithfully, more is given. If at any time, the child can't handle it, then things are tightened up until they are prepared to try again. Working step by step like that, there is much less chance for disaster!

So, how do you avoid the disasters? How can you let them find their feet to stand alone without letting them have a fatal fall? I believe it's through knowing their hearts and understanding where they are spiritually. A young man can't stand alone if he doesn't know God. He can't resist temptation if he is spiritually weak. You have to know. There is no way to do this other than taking the time to really talk to them often. If you don't really know them, you can't hit this careful balance of challenge and growth versus failure and danger.

We've had lots of back and forth motion, and have found you can't expect constant growth in maturity. I've had times I've been so delighted with a child's progress, only to see them fall down. Maturity comes like any part of the Christian life - through battle, despite opposition, in slides backward and baby steps forward. I believe, though, that if you consistently strive for your young men to be young men; if you encourage them to stand for themselves and prepare them to do so; if you are aiming them towards an independent stand for God; you will be amazed at what they become. Our eldest is lightyears ahead of where we were at his age - and that's a great thing! May all our children exceed us in the things that matter - the things of God.